


Already Losing You, Maybe For Good

by GayNoctis



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Karkat Hates Himself, M/M, might be ooc sorry ya'll
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-08
Updated: 2014-11-08
Packaged: 2018-02-24 12:28:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2581460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayNoctis/pseuds/GayNoctis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I forgot that she left me for him, what was I expecting he was 'cooler' than me.<br/>Or I keep thinking that, who knows I might not be sane anymore.<br/>Except one of my closest friend cares for me, she's the only one who's cared for me; I was destined to be alone.</p><p> </p><p>(Sorry for the really bad summary, I suck at em'.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Already Losing You, Maybe For Good

**Author's Note:**

> Well it's going to be a another story with Karkat, Gamzee, Sollux, Kanaya, and probably all them trolls but like further in the story.  
> The only ones who are actually in the story are Karkat, Kanaya, and Rose at the end. Terezi is mentioned but not yet introduced.  
> This is the first chapter, motherfuckers.

 

 

> _People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. - Thich Nhat Hanh_

 

 

I guess all these weeks had passed so fast, I hadn't realized that she was gone; leaving me alone to hate myself. I forgot that she left me for him, what was I expecting he was 'cooler' than me. Or I keep thinking that, who knows I might not be sane anymore. Except one of my closest friends cares for me, she's the only one who's cared for me; I was destined to be alone. By the time she comes I'm already at the door. I hear her soft but determined knock, answer the door. She looks at me with concern written all over her face, do I really look that shitty to look at? She smiles though, which only confuses me.

"I see you're getting better, but I shouldn't have to tell you to at least care for yourself, Karkat."

She knows me the best out of every shitty person I've known excluding the one person who I had a flush crush on.

I growl, knowing I am not dealing with this 'get more sleep' shit. 

"Kanaya I don't need help with sleeping, I'm just stressed out with some stuff."

She raises her eyebrows, her lips are pursed.

"I highly doubt you get enough sleep, I understand if you don't want to talk about your problems with me."

This is why she's the only person I can tolerate. 

I scratch the nape of my neck, and sigh. 

"It's just been hard ever since Terezi told me to get out of her life, I already know that she prefers Dave and his shitty gang over us. She's been avoiding everyone too, so I honestly think she hates everyone because of me."

I can't hold back my thoughts, I'm just as lonely and desperate as Dave called me.

"Karkat, listen to me. You are not alone, I'm always here for you; you should know that by now. And no Terezi doesn't hate us but I have noticed she has been avoiding us more often, it's not your fault."

It's nice to hear Kanaya just speak with her motherly like voice, it makes you feel loved and having an actual person understand you. Still you have a bad feeling in your stomach, something bad's going to happen to you.

"Yeah, I know she's avoiding everyone but I just can't stop from assuming it was MY fault."

Again you're bitching about how it's your fault, not everything is about you. These thoughts won't stop. why won't they just stop. Knowing how you always think so hard on yourself, she looks at you.

"Karkat, what's wrong? You look rather paler than usual, Karkat?"

I can't tell her, there's voices in my head and they won't stop talking. _She'd think you're a freak, you mutant little bitch. STOP, I know I'm a mutant how would I know I'd be born to this horrid candy, red blood. Maybe if you'd been a better leader, you wouldn't be hearing these voices._ The voices that speak harsh words, knowing you hadn't been a good leader. The vile things they say to you before you sleep, oh if only you had him as your moiraill again. But it wouldn't be possible would it? To be with **_him_** again, makes you feel sane. Unlike now whereas you are in deep thought, ignoring Kanaya's presence not that you did it on purpose with all these things inside your thinkpan. 

"Karkat, you haven't said a word to me and you're staring at that wall. I need you to tell me what's wrong. please Karkat I'm your friend. I won't judge you."

She's noticing you, don't let her in not yet. Just keep your mask on, ignore these things and move. Her face has a grim look to it, she already knows, you're fucked. Her voice is soft, she wants to help you but even she can't help calm you down. The only one who could do that was Gamzee, he's not even sane himself, I guess it's understandable that two unstable trolls would both comfort each other. 

"Karkat, he's not good for you and you should already know that. Even if your thoughts are getting out of control, I can help you."

She looks at you with a sincere look, but you can't help but feel shame rise up in you, you just stare at her rather blankly. How could she think that he's not good for you, does she even know that he was there when she wasn't? No, she wasn't as close to you back then but suddenly she's close to you when you're breaking. _Consider this, mutant she doesn't care about you she's doing this out of pity for your sorry self._ She wouldn't do that, she's not like that and how would you know what she's like, douchebag. It's been over five minutes since Kanaya had spoken, all your thoughts will not stop. You get the courage to speak, your voice is raspy knowing you'd been screaming about random shit before she interrupted your self-hating session.

"He's probably the only person who was closer to me than you. I don't think you can help me, Kanaya. MY problems weren't so fucking bad, not until Terezi decided to fuck with me knowing I'd fall for her trap. Do you know how bad it feels to know that she's been trolling me for the sake of her douchebag boyfriend? It makes me FUCKING sick that she's with him after what he'd done to me earlier that day. I just wanted to help her out of the relationship she was in with Gamzee, which didn't help that I had to ask Dave to help me. And you know what? I'm done helping her even if she gets in deep shit, she doesn't want or need my fucking pity. It's great to not see her, no one has to see her shitty face with her horrible grin. Oh, these voices tell me things I should have noticed. They're tellling me to end all of this fucking shit, maybe I should end my LIFE."

Her expression changes from her sincere look to utter horror from hearing what I just blabbered out. _What a fucking priceless look that is on her face, I wonder if you culled her would the expression stay there forever?_ No!, she doesn't need to be culled just because your sorry ass can't control all your problems. _Unlike you she has people who love her dear, she's not an angry, self-loathing, immature, and whiny little bitch like you. God, everything is annoying and this girl isn't helping you very well._ Her expression goes to a serious look, her voice is sharper than before as to warn you she will help you no matter what. You feel a slight smirk rise up to your mouth, soon you're grinning at her with your sharp teeth being noticeable. Never have you seen her look at you like she's surprised at your new smile that you're going to be fond of very soon. Like maybe you've gone insane, maybe as far as Gamzee was when he went sober. You're staring at her, she doesn't say anything but you start the conversation back up again.

"I've never noticed how much better a smile can be when you show you teeth, it's great don't you think?"

 Your voice is cold, bare, almost monotonous but who cares nothing feels better than this. She looks right at you're face, she's noticing all the slight changes on your facial features. You laugh a bit, a cold laugh that was empty of what it once was. A hollow laugh that means nothing to you now. Her voice is small, compared to yours now. What happened? Did she get softer for your sake, no she's scared for you.

"Karkat..."

Why would she be scared for you? You continue to smile at her, you watch her move from the doorway; shutting the door softly. She walks up to you swiftly, pulls you toward her into a hug. You realize that you've been crying this whole time, but then why were you smiling? The tears are falling all over her black t-shirt, she's shushing you, it feels nice to let it all out rather than that little crazed laughter you did. You can't help but feel how warm her body is, how she continues to calm you down, your voice is stuttering random things on it's own accord. 

"I-I didn't t-think she'd be gone so fast, when s-she told me t-to get out of her life I couldn't believe it.." 

You began to hiccup, Kanaya smiles at you before you rest your head on her shoulder.

"Karkat, when I noticed that strange laugh of yours I knew you weren't okay. I get why you felt Gamzee was closer to you, he was but he's not mentally stable to be your moiraill but we all have our flaws. I just don't want to see you get hurt by him Karkat, you're precious to me and I can't stand the sight of you getting hurt."

And maybe she's right, he wasn't ready to be with you right now. But for the first time in maybe a long time, you smile, you smile at her for helping you. Her eyes widen slightly, she let's you stay in the hug before you decide to get out of the embrace. Knowing that Gamzee wasn't Terezi's kismesis anymore made you feel a little better, but you know that this little happiness won't last for long. Kanaya knows too, that's why she's here.

"It's going to get better, Karkat. I'm going to be here for you, even if Rose can't stand not seeing me she'll understand that you need someone in your life. Rose, John, Jade, and Dave care about you Karkat; even if you don't think they do. I just want to see you live, all of our friends care about you too. Even Terezi I get it if you hate her but she hasn't forgotten you, you two were close friends how could she forget you so easily."

You both get out of the embrace, the transparent tears are still on your face. You wipe them off with the sleeve of your black turtleneck, it felt almost great if they hadn't interrupted this moment.

The door crashes open, there standing is a drunk human girl. The Rose human stutters random, slurred words to Kanaya. You sigh knowing that Kanaya's got to go, it was fun while it lasted. You raise your eyebrows at Kanaya, she just smiles at you.

"Hehe, Whatcha doin' with ma kananya? Urghhhhhh I need some watra, can you get meh some plase?"

I cannot believe this, this is even worse than Gamzee being his stupid soporified self. Even his talk about 'mirthful messiahs' were better than this girl's slurred sentences. Considering this girl needs more help than you, you should tell Kanaya to get her out of here safely.

"Uh, Kanaya you should probably go with Rose. She looks like shit, more shit than me." 

She just laughs, which confuses you. She looks at you with her smile, she nods her head at you. She walks over to Rose, grabbing her arm to put over her shoulder. 

"I'm going to leave now, Karkat. Don't do anything that is dangerous, please talk to me on Trollian if I can't come over. I will always listen to you no matter what."

She smiles at you, while the drunk Rose is giggling, twirling Kanaya's hair. You just nod at Kanaya, since you can only smile for at least once a month.

"Bye, Karkat."

I  grab the hem of my shirt, I pull at it for a little.

"Bai Kurket!"

Ha, the drunk Rose at least acknowledges your existence.

"Bye, Kanaya. And bye you drunk fuckass."

Kanaya laughs at your remark, Rose just waves at you. The door closes, you're alone again but feeling better than before. The chances of having a friend care for her girlfriend, troublesome self-loathing friend were great knowing that she had talked some sense into you. You walk towards your husktop, noticing someone wants to chat with you. Of all people it had to **him**. You won't answer him because you are tired from all that earlier screaming during the day time, now it's already night. You decide to go to bed than answer this asshole, you walk away from your husktop and slowly take off your; black shoes, grey pants, and black turtleneck. Leaving you in your crab boxers, hehe it was nice of Aradia to give you these even if she is weird at times. You toss your clothes on the ground, too tired to fold them, Kanaya was right you were fucking tired. Eventually you climb into your recuperacoon, slide in the sopor slime. You close your eyes, silently going to sleep not even noticing that someone was watching you. And this person was inside the vent above you, they watch you until you're completely asleep, listening to your soft snores. They whisper above you.

"Get some motherfucking sleep, Karbro."

And that was all you had heard in your dream, or so you thought was a dream. 

 

 

 

> _There is a time for many words, and there is also a time for sleep. - Homer_
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**Author's Note:**

> Really ooc I know, oh well.


End file.
